THE EGG

A Tale of the Hatchback Woman by Dan Jire

“I had one. Did I ever tell you that?”

“What’s that?”

“One of these magical items everyone’s clamoring for these days. From the Lady.”

“Yeah? What’d it do? Time travel, teleportation…”

“Let me tell you what it was first.”

“Fine, what was it?”

“An egg.”

“An egg. Like a plastic Easter egg?”

“No. A chicken’s egg.”

“I bet you cracked it open and broke it and then it stopped doing its magic.”

“You a gambling man, Sam?”

“Just an expression. Besides you know if I’m right or wrong so if you want me to bet, it’s clear that I’m wrong. So, tell me already. It’s friggin’ freezing out here.”

“You should’ve worn a coat.”

“I am.”

“An actual coat. That’s a jean jacket. It’s not even lined inside, is it?”

“Yeah well, it looks good.”

“I didn’t know jean jackets were back in style.”

“I don’t know either.”

“Yeah, I don’t come to you for fashion advice, Sam. Or advice period. Thinking outside your head isn’t your strong suit, is it?”

“Look, if you’re going to be rude to me, I’ll go. You don’t think I will, but I’ll go. I don’t even believe all this crap I’ve been hearing. Lady driving around in a beater handing out magical objects and a war that’s rising up between those that think she’s the devil and those that think she’s like a lady Jesus.”

“I’m telling you. It’s real.”

“Probably hogwash. Tell me about this magical Easter egg. Did it have candy or a rolled twenty in it?”

“Hogwash. You said ‘hogwash’.”

“Now you’re going to make fun of my word choice. You’re aces, pal.”

“Sam. Sam, your lingo is about as in style as your jean jacket.”

“I thought you said this fella was going out tonight. My toes are starting to hurt.”

“You didn’t wear socks.”

“I wore socks!”

“Hey, pipe down. The neighbors will hear you and then we’ll get noticed looking like to suspicious guys lurking outside their neighbor’s house.”

“You’re the one that wants to talk.”

“Quietly, normally, and so that it doesn’t look like we stopped on the street to wait for some guy to leave his house so we can break in. It’s the closest thing to cover we can pull off on this street. Besides, I want you to believe in what we’re doing. I want you to want to go in there and I want you to respect what we took, what we have, what we can do.”

“Okay, okay. Spill the beans already.”

“Well, I’ll start with how I got it. You see, I used to deal on the corner of Adam and Main. This was five, six years ago. Remember Ziggy? Big Asian dude with massive thighs?”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“He was there trying to purchase some Oxy. I was all out, so I was trying to sell him on some Adderall.”

“That would’ve been a nightmare. That guy hardly slept as it was.”

“Right? But I just wanted him to stop talking to me. That’s when that red car of hers pulled up. And I’m thinking, this white woman is old, but kinda hot. I bet she’s a divorcee on the down slope and looking for a pick me up. I get to thinking all kinds of stuff, while Ziggy’s arguing and listing things that I’ve never heard of like I’m a CVS or something. So, the Lady, she gets out and walks up to us. She hands Ziggy…”

“Roger.”

“What?”

“Ziggy’s real name, was Roger.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Why’d they call him Ziggy?”

“I don’t know, I just remember his name was Ziggy. I think he’s a doctor now.”

“No kidding?”

“Smart guy. Good head on his shoulders. Irritating, but a good fella all around.”

“Oh, was he aces?”

“Yeah—thanks, Darrell. I can’t say anything without you making fun of me for saying it.”

“I’m ribbing you. Remember that term? When people were ribbing each other.”

“It don’t sound right.”

“No. It don’t.”

“Did you see that? All the upstairs lights just went out.”

“Good, he must be heading out. Done showering and getting dressed. He’ll make his rounds downstairs and then we can get in.”

“Thank Jesus. I think my teeth are going to start chattering soon.”

“Again, you should’ve dressed warmer. You knew it was December, right? Even if it’s fifty degrees during the day, it’s going to drop twenty to thirty degrees at night. This is Virginia, pal.”

“What are you now, a weather man?”

“Maybe. You know, I bet that would be a cool object to get a hold of, something that could make it rain. Or snow. Like a snow globe. You shake it and it snows.”

“You know how ridiculous all this sounds, right? I mean, I believe in luck and whatever—horoscopes and astronomy.”

“Astrology.”

“You know what I meant.”

“Yeah, but I wanted to make sure you knew what you meant.”

“Jesus, this guy just went back upstairs!”

“Pipe down, Sam.”

“Evening.”

“Bit chilly.”

“Yeah.”

“Shh.”

“He didn’t suspect a thing.”

“Guy was out walking his dog. He probably doesn’t live on this street. But just watch him for a second, make sure he turns a corner. Maybe we should take a lap, just to get your toes warm again.”

“He’s back downstairs.”

“Get ready, Sam.”

“I’m following you. How do you want to do this.”

“When he walks out of his house start walking, that way.”

“Away from the house.”

“So, he doesn’t see our faces or thinks anything of it. Ready. Go.”

“How far we going to walk?”

“Just till he drives past us. If we pace it correctly, we turn at the end of the block and look as if we’re headed away from his house, then we double back.”

“I hope his heats on.”

“I hope he has a scarf or coat for you to snag when we’re inside. Your teeth are chattering. That’s the worst sound on this planet.”

“I’m not too happy about it. Believe me.”

“There he goes, still take the turn in case he checks us out in his mirror. Turn.”

“Why would he check his mirrors?”

“Maybe he thought he knew us, maybe he is being a good driver. Stop here a second. Let’s wait a minute and then we’ll head back.”

“You’re torturing me. That’s what this is. The punchline is I’m going to break into this home and all we’re going to get is a few trinkets that we might be able to pawn for a warm bowl of soup. No magic we can sell to the highest bidder. Just junk.”

“It’s in there. He’s not taking it with him tonight.”

“How do you know? I mean if it’s so special, why leave it at home?”

“Because he’s meeting with people that have more of the Lady’s items, right. And he’s not going to trust them not to try and take it from him, right?”

“I guess so. Come on. You didn’t bring gloves?”

“I did. But I didn’t want to look suspicious with them on. I’ll put them on when I pick the lock. I’m not a complete idiot, Darrell.”

“It wouldn’t surprise me.”

“I don’t know why I’m helping you. I don’t really believe you or Carl about any of this voodoo Harry Potter stuff and…”

“I know. So, listen, let me finish my story about the egg. Okay. You’re going to listen and not interject again?”

“Sure, Mozart, tell me your story.”

“Mo—you know he wrote music and not books right? Have you ever read a book? Don’t give me that look. It’s a legitimate question. It’s alright. I haven’t read a book in years. Who has time anymore?”

“Eh. Movies are better. They work more brain muscles. I saw something on that once. Sound and sight and all that. Reading is just your eyes. You’ve got to stimulate the mind. That’s why all those old people that have been reading have Old Timer’s disease. Kids these days aren’t ever going to get it.”

“How’d you get to be such a good lock picker, Sam?”

“Didn’t read it in a book, I’ll tell you that much.”

“I don’t doubt that. All right, act natural. He’s got a side door that’s less conspicuous.”

“Oh, this is an easy one.”

“Yeah, great. I’m going to have a seat. Try to stay out of the light.”

“I am. I am. Two minutes at the most. That’s all you get for your egg story.”

“Ah, yes. Where was I? Oh, right. I took the egg home after that. I figured I should google what it was, because I hadn’t ever seen nothing like it. I figured it was some kid’s toy. Maybe from that store in Carytown. Remember that place with all the weird toys. I used to send the Percocet kids in there. Tell ‘em to walk around until it kicked in. I bet that was a hoot. Never had the gumption to try it myself.”

“Dang it.”

“Quit dropping things. Here. Now, um, anyway. I couldn’t find nothing on google about it. So, I cracked it again. Then presto-change-o I put it back together. I mean it felt just like an egg shell. A real one. So, I went to check it against a real egg, and low and behold I was out of eggs. So, I had to go to the store, but I couldn’t because . . .”

“Hang on. I think I missed something, what did your magic egg do?”

“I told you, when you crack it open there’s nothing inside. But you can put it together. And it looks completely un-cracked.”

“That’s neat.”

“Hey, you don’t have any creativity if all you can say is ‘that’s neat.’ What’s neat about it was the immediate potential for such an egg. If I ever got the pat down. What cop is going to think I’ve got a dime bag or pills stored in an egg. It was a decent size. I could fold up a few hundred-dollar bills and hide them for safe keeping too.”

“Wait-wait-wait, you said there was nothing in it when you opened it.”

“No. Not when she gave it to me. But I could put things in it and hide them. Don’t you get it. It’s like better than one of those rocks every idiot and their aunt hides their keys in. Better than those fake bibles and shaving cream cans.”

“That was a good movie.”

“What?”

“The dinosaurs. You can’t get that from a book. He hides their DNA in the shaving cream can.”

“Only thing that movie has on that book is that amazing score by John Williams. You like that movie, you owe yourself to read it. Buy yourself a CD turn it up and sit down and read that book.”

“They don’t sell CDs no more.”

“Whatever. You want me to tell you about this egg or what?”

“Uh-huh.”

“So that’s all I was using it for, right. Hiding things. I do that for a couple of weeks. I start acting like a magician for the girls. I crack the egg and wow them. They start calling me the Egg Man. I had something I’d say to them… wait, what was it. It was something like, I’d say, they call me the Egg Man.”

“That’s lame.”

“Shut up. They call me the Egg Man, but not because of this egg. Because your eggs are safe with me.”

“What?”

“You know. Like I use protection and what not.”

“That’s lame.”

“I said it cooler back then. This was a few years ago. But trust me, those girls ooo’ed over it every time. Bag a few of the chunkier ones with it. Anyway, I did better than you could do with that gap tooth grin of yours. Why aren’t you picking the lock?”

“It’s unlocked.”

“What?”

“I was waiting for you to finish your story, which you need to do because I’m freezing out here.”

“Sam. You imbecile. Go inside, we’ll be warmer in there and I’ll finish in there.”

“Oh, it is warmer. Thank Jesus.”

“Did you track that in here. You animal, get a broom and take off your shoes.”

“Huh? That wasn’t me. Look it, they’re clean.”

“Fine. This guy needs to hire a maid. Stop, turn off your flashlight. Just turn on a light. You want the neighbors to see a bobbing flashlight running around a dark house?”

“Well, I couldn’t see the switch—oh. You found it.”

“Because most switches are by the door or entryway of a room. Go on, let’s start looking. I would think it’s somewhere important. Look on shelves and things first, and then if it’s not, then start thinking where you might hide something important.”

“I’m not taking another step until you finish your stupid egg story. It’s had everything I like in my tv shows, drugs, sex, now it just needs some action. Or dinosaurs. I’ll settle for a dinosaur. It wasn’t a dinosaur egg, was it?”

“Chicken egg. I’m going to start looking. I’ll talk loud enough so you can hear me. So, I’ve had the egg for a while now at this point in the story. It’s summer. It’s hot. And I had to do some time for aggravated assault. A few weeks, right. So, I report to the Hanover jail and I do my time. All the while, the egg has sat in my apartment with the air conditioning off. Must’ve been a hundred degrees in there. Do you know how long it takes for a chicken egg to hatch?”

“They don’t. If they haven’t been fertilized. Learned that when I was a kid. You can’t hatch a store-bought egg. You need one of those blue ones.”

“You amaze me. The answer was 21 days. That’s how long I was serving time. I come back and the egg has hatched.”

“I bet that chicken crapped everywhere.”

“It wasn’t a chicken. I did not hide a chicken in the egg. What I did hide was the key to a security box that was hidden beneath the floorboards. My stash. Everything. I figured it was brilliant so long as no one snuck in my apartment to make an omelet. And do you know what happened to my key, Sam?”

“It chirped?”

“It grew. It went from about two and half inches long to six or seven inches. I couldn’t explain it and the worst part was that it didn’t fit in my security box anymore. That was a hassle for sure, but fast forward, I got it open with a lot of sawing. See, I had a lot of time on my hands as I became something of a scientist. I didn’t know it took 21 days then. So, after some research, I found out about chickens and the temperature. Got it put under my grow light and 21 days later, I had a hatching egg of Ecstasy. Two pills grew to be the size of my friggin’ fist, Sam. For once in my life, I could generate my own supply. Imagine the sparkle in my eyes. Dollar signs, Sam. Dollar signs.”

“Spoiler alert, ‘cause you’re not rich. What happened?”

“One of those college girls thought her high was love. Cleaned up the kitchen after I expressly told her not to. I said, ‘don’t touch nothing.’ That kitchen had never sparkled like that. Probably shouldn’t have tossed her out.”

“Easy come, easy go. People say that. That’s your story. So, you’ve been jonesing for a new magical object ever since.”

“Couple weeks ago, someone asked about the egg on a message board. Problem is, I don’t know how to find him. I’d love that egg. It had its uses but to be honest 21 days is a long gestation period. Got me wondering if there were maybe a dozen of these eggs, right? Like there’s a carton for them.”

“But it wasn’t a carton. The basket we’re looking for—it’s an egg basket.”

“Now you’ve got it. See there’s this thing where when you combine an object it does something entirely different. Scary stuff. But this basket, on its own, anything you put into it, disappears. In our line of work, making evidence disappear could be a mighty powerful prospect, don’t you think?”

“Is it a green basket, metal?”

“I don’t… oh that has it be it. Sam, you’ve found it.”

“It don’t look magical.”

“I’ll demonstrate. See.”

“Where’d it? No, it fell through, let me see that.”

“Hands off. I’ll show you. But I want to thank you for picking the lock. It means a lot to me, Sam. I needed a way in. And smashing a window just seemed a bit below me.”

“What are you doing?”

“You wanted to look in it and see how the tissue box disappeared. Have a closer look. I’m like a scientist, too, you know. I want to see just how much it can do. Just as I expected. Did you hear me? It was nice knowing you.”

THE END.