CAVE TROLL

A short story by Dan Jire

“Did your head lamp just go out?”

“Very funny.”

“Relax.”

“Come on, Desmond.”

“Just relax, it’s probably just the batteries.”

“You think you’re so funny. And later I’ll appreciate your effort to help me overcome my fears, but I barely wanted to do this in the first place. You think this makes me want to come caving with your again?”

“It’s just the batteries. I have more here… somewhere.”

“Academy award, mister. But how’d you do it. Is my light connected to your phone or is it remote operated. There’s got to be a way for me to turn it back on.”

“Ruby. Ruby, listen.”

“Seriously, Desmond, turn the lights back on. I am laying on my belly. It’s cold. And I’m just barely avoiding a sudden onset of claustrophobia.”

“Ruby. Just stay calm. That’s the key to survival in any situation. We’re not too far down. We can back out to the last chamber. It’s not too much further after that. Maybe there’s some strange magnetic field that is canceling out the electricity or something.”

“Ha! That’s not science. Gig’s up, mister”

“Don’t panic.”

“I’m not panicking. I’m doing everything in my power not to call you a straight up asshole for dragging me miles underground and turning out the lights.”

“We’re not miles. This cave system is at best 2000 feet. The last chamber is just past 1500 feet. If you just start crawling back, we can make it to the chamber. There’s a good chance there’s a picnicking group of boy scouts or somebody.”

“This isn’t funny.”

“I know. But it’s nothing to freak out about. It’s not like we can make a wrong turn crawling backwards.”

“I have been crawling on my arms and knees for like 20 minutes, Desmond. I am sore. I am tired. And I’m not in the mood for some kind of stupid game.”

“It’s not a game!”

“Then turn on the lights!”

“I can’t. They stopped working. My phone doesn’t even turn on.”

“I thought you said there was no point taking our phone from our pack because they wouldn’t work down here.”

“Signal, yes. But I have a flashlight app.”

“If I find out you’re messing with me and this was some weird part of a plan to propose to me this weekend. I will take the ring. But I’m saying no.”

“But if I get us out safely… I mean that’s worth something, right?”

“Okay. I’m backing up. This hurts and you’re not getting any tonight regardless. I need a long hot bath and a lot of sleep.”

“Good. Stay calm.”

“Don’t tell me to stay calm. I am calm. You’re being an asshole!”

“I thought you were trying not to call me that?”

“Well, you see, Desmond, when you come up short in the spelunking category. I come up short in the not calling you an asshole category.”

“Category—what? Never mind. Just use your feet to feel around. Remember there was that small hole in the ground a ways back. And…”

“And then that ledge you had to lift me up on your shoulders to climb up on… and then I had to pull you up.”

“Yeah. You remembered. Oh. Sorry. Why’d you stop?”

“Give me a second.”

“Ruby?”

“I’m trying not to call you an asshole again. What happens when we get to that big drop?”

“You can, uh, grab my legs and I’ll lower you down.”

“I don’t know when it’s coming. Do you know when it’s coming?”

“Well…”

“Do you?”

“If you’re slow and go one foot at a time, your foot will go over first. Then you grab my leg.”

“Oh, so you’ve done this before?”

“About as many times as you’re not sarcastic.”

“You’re really not playing around. Do you swear to me this is not some joke or test or something?”

“Why would I test you?”

“You know… if you… I mean, isn’t that your whole perfect woman standard: she has to be brave and adventurous?”

“This isn’t that. Believe me. You won all your points when that mama bear showed up on Tinker Cliffs.”

“Damn right I did.”

“Brown bear would tear us to bits. There is nothing in this cave that can tear us apart.”

“I don’t know. Bats bite and have claws.”

“This isn’t a bat cave.”

“Oh, please indulge me with your expertise.”

“Start moving. Thank you. Now, if this was a bat cave then we would be dead. Bat guano is strong. We’d suffocate if we tried to push on past the initial smell.”

“So how was your trip, Ruby? Well, mom, let me tell you. Desmond kept me alive by not making me breath bat shit, and then we played a game in the dark—oh no not that fun one. It was more like one of those trust exercises we went to in Bible camp. Oh, no, no, no, not that one. More like a trust fall. There were no penises. I mean there was a huge dick in front of me the whole time but…”

“I’m not going to lie. I find your pretend conversations entertaining. Despite the fact that you’re calling me a dick. It’s part of all those points you’ve got towards my perfect woman standard. I love you.”

“I swear to God, there better be a ring.”

“What’s that?”

“Ass sphincter says what?”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t plan this to happen.”

“Fucking furry!”

“What?”

“Something furry just ran past my…”

“Oh, damn. Me too. E—yad!”

“Okay.”

“It kept going. It’s gone. Probably a rat.”

“Yeah. Probably. But Desmond, I want you to know, I was pretty scared until you screamed. I’m like a quarter of the way toward a laugh, but I kind of want to scream and get the hell out of here already.”

“Then let’s go.”

“I’m going. I’m going.”

“Hmm.”

“What?”

“It’s just weird that a rat would be this far and in the dark.”

“See, you don’t know everything about—oh, here’s that first little hole. Oh, that draft actually feels good. Can we pause a second. I didn’t know I was sweating. It’s cold down here, but that feels refreshing.”

“Okay good. It shouldn’t be too much further until the ledge. Just take it slow from here on. Okay?”

“Yay, looking forward to not falling ten feet.”

“That wasn’t ten feet, maybe six or seven.”

“Why are we doing this?”

“Oh, you’re right, that does feel good. I wonder where that air comes from, there must be some hole in the cliff somewhere and the wind is blowing and it reaches here somehow.”

“Cool it, Sherlock. I really just want to get back to our cabin. And you should too. Every second we’re in the dark I’m starting to hate you just a little more.”

“Yeah, I’m not too impressed with myself at the moment either.”

“Desmond.”

“What?’

“Desmond.”

“What?”

“Des—”

“Ruby? Ruby? Ruby? Babe, where’d you go. Grab my leg, grab my leg. Did you go over the ledge? Are we at the ledge? I’m over the ledge. I’m not trying to kick you, just grab my leg. Grab it. Ruby? Ru—”

“Are you okay?”

“Are you?”

“No. No. I’m not okay, Desmond.”

“We fell. That was the ledge.”

“No, the ground dropped out. Like where my hands were. I fell forward not back. There’s a wall behind me. The rock we were crawling on fell and we’re trapped now. We’re trapped in some hole and no one knows we’re down here and…”

“Maybe the phone works. The lights went out much further down the cave, so maybe it works now that…”

“What?”

“I can’t find it. I put it back in my pocket, but it’s gone.”

“I’m staying calm. I’m staying calm. I’m doing the calm staying thing. Totally calm like.”

“Relax. As long as we don’t freak out, we have a chance of getting out of here. The second we let go of being rational…”

“I’m being rational. That’s how I know we’re not getting out of here.”

“Ruby. I… we’ll make noise, every five, ten minutes or so. Like I said this cave is pretty popular with Boy Scout troops. They usually just hike in to that last chamber and have a pow-wow or whatever. We just have to call out.”

“How do you know there’s one today?”

“I don’t but… but we do have a water bottle. And aren’t you the one that has trouble sleeping with any kind of light in the room…

“Fuck you, Desmond. You can’t make light of this. This sucks. This is so stupid it sucks.”

“I’m sorry. I was going to…”

“Don’t.”

“Well, I wasn’t going to propose this weekend. I didn’t think that’s what you wanted. I just thought you wanted to try something new. You wanted us to do something other than a movie or stay in. And I’m telling you, this isn’t a dangerous cave. The only issue is that our lights stopped working, which is weird, but it happened. I’m sure there’s a logical explanation for that. Maybe there’s humidity or something and it zapped all electronics. I don’t know.”

“That’s right, you don’t know. Ow, what are you doing?”

“I’m trying to find a hand hold, maybe I can climb back up. And why’d you say ow.”

“You kicked me.”

“I don’t think so. You sound like you’re coming from over there. I don’t think I’m anywhere near you.”

“Which is why you kicked—ow! Hey!”

“Ruby?”

“I just stood up and hit my head. I think there’s another cave thingy, tunnel or whatever behind me.”

“Stay where you are. I’m going to try and reach you…. Ruby? Talk so I can find you. Ruby? Are you okay? I can hear you breathing. Ruby, answer me! This isn’t funny. Answer me! Ru—”

THE END.